Apparently, fun is subjective. Who knew?
Not to be ungrateful or hateful, because I do truly and wholeheartedly love my family. All of them. I would die for them. Take a bullet or stand in front of a bus without hesitation – LOVE them.
They also make me cry. A lot.
So, “Vacation”…
Vacations are about memories and togetherness and bonding with your family!
They are about getting away from the everyday. We aren’t employees doing a job today. Today, we are Mom and Dad getting uninterrupted time with our littles. Making precious, beautiful, core memories! The kind of memories our kids will remember forever and want to recreate with their kids one day.
Vacation is about taking a step back. Living in the moment instead of yo-yoing between emails, phone calls, and social obligations that if we are honest, we dread. It’s soaking it all in and finally having the opportunity to just be present with the ones we love most.
We finally get to rest! No clocks or schedules. No sports or other commitments dictating where we have to be at what time. On vacation we get to do what we want, when we want, with the people we want. We get to go somewhere new, try new things, eat food we don’t usually have access to, experience things outside of our daily lives… And we get to do it TOGETHER!
… Except that we are 4 individuals who don’t even like doing the same things… In a car. Together… For 13+ hours. One way…
Yeah…
Looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking exactly. Best guess? Nostalgia got the best of me, then reality came in and clarified the situation before we even stopped for breakfast on day 1.
Emotions are up – not the good ones.
Morale is low.
One of us wants to sit on the beach and another one wants to go skydiving.
No, for real. This really happened. I genuinely could not even make this up.
One of us, no lie, wanted to just sit on the beach and chill on vactaion. One of us, no lie, wanted to go jump out of a freaking airplane.
[Taking slow, deep breaths just reliving this now…]
How in the actual – am I supposed to work with this?!
In hindsight, and before I spiral… I did learn something that I probably should have known already, but definitely would have saved me months of anguish trying to manufacture the perfect family vacation.
No matter how carefully crafted a vacation plan is, you can’t plan people’s experience.
Like I said, It didn’t take long for fantasy and reality to crash into each other in a glorious blaze of my sanity.
Let me explain…
What I thought I did:
Thoughtfully and carefully crafted a beautiful vacation for my family. I thought through multiple options and outcomes, took each person into consideration, and settled on the things that we could all enjoy. No matter how different we all are, there is going to be overlap. Right? There has to be! I was confident that I captured the overlap and everyone would enjoy the trip and enjoy themselves.
Confident… and incorrect.
What I did in reality:
Drove myself crazy and took my family down with me.
Probably an unpopular opintion, but I stand by it – a vacation is not a vacation for Mom. [Or whoever plans…]
The Process… Don’t adopt, it didn’t work! This is a warning, not a How TO
I researched, I saved, I thought through the things – big and small. I made the decisions, carried the burden, crafted the plan, and then implemented and executed it – like a boss! [… I tell myself as I’m crying in the shower]
For which I was warmly rewarded with helpful feedback such as –
“This is y’all’s vacation, I’m just here.”
And my personal favorite:
“I don’t care, whatever you want.”
[I feel myself getting worked up all over again – slowly and deeply inhaling now… and exhale…]
The truth, as I see it now, is I got caught up in the invisible labor. [The invisible load is sooo real!] And when I say caught up, I don’t mean “tripped” over like Tinker Bell where you float out unscathed. No. I mean tangled up like an alligator in a fishing net trying to roll it’s way out but just tightening the noose – CAUGHT UP.
Invisible labor is sneaky, because “I planned our vacation” sounds simple. It just has a way of rolling off the tongue and sounding like an achievement, like an honor even.
That is where simplicity starts and ends my friend – rolling off the tongue.
Picking the place alone is… elaborate.
There is a ton of research! First you start with a region, then eventually you get that narrowed down to states, then towns, then finally to lodging… which is no small thing either. You have to make sure there are things to do, places to eat, check out the amenities, etc. at said lodging.
You thought lodging was the end, didn’t you? Don’t be silly and don’t downplay it! It’s a LOT.
Then there’s shopping. Which sounds fun! But in reality, it’s circling the store again, even though I’m standing at the checkout, Because the thought of another trip is making me sweat. So here I go searching for $3 sunscreen to take because I’m already here at Wally World. A lesson learned from the last time I didn’t plan ahead and found myself paying $15 at the “convenience” store for a smaller version of the same thing.
Live and learn, babe. Livin’ and learnin’.
Then the real kicker – the saving. Sounds cute! “Oh, I’m going to set a little aside each month, no biggie.”
Get out of here with that nonsense. Right now. Leave!
What it actually means is making a conscious decision that we are not going into debt for this trip, then spending months being the only person responsible for making sure we don’t. Which means saying “no” to yourself. Saying “no” to your family. Silently keeping your eye on the bigger goal… while everyone else just wonders why you’re being so mean and why we never get to do anything.
All so that when vacation finally gets here, you can afford to say yes!… and still not be the hero. Sorry, sister.
So, yeah! Invisible load is real. And it’s really rude.
Zero stars. Don’t recommend.
Also, just to get this off my chest… I did all this and even chose the beach, at my youngest’s suggestion… and I don’t even like the beach!
I don’t like the sand and I don’t love the ocean. Yes, it probably didn’t help that it was Shark Week on TV before we left, but even before that, the ocean just isn’t my thing.
I don’t like the crabs scaring the crap out of me as they run off when I get too close, while I’m just thinking they are a rock or something until it jets away. I don’t like walking out in the water to the next sandbar, just to barely survive drowning because a big wave literally spawned out of nowhere. And I don’t like the saltwater.
… Listen, this is MY story, and I’m telling it…
I chose this destination for my family.
… Yes, the ones who make me cry.
Until further notice… Not that you asked… but I did learn some things, I’m pretty sure.
Fun is, in fact, subjective.
One person’s enjoyable slow morning is another person’s excruciating waste of a good day.
One person’s fun stop is another’s unnecessary detour.
One person’s adventure is another person’s inconvenience.
It’s wild, but we can go to the same place, do the same things, spend the same 13+ hours trapped in the same car, and somehow come home having experienced four completely different vacations.
I think that’s the part I missed going into it – we don’t have to experience something the same way for it to still count as experiencing it together.
My boredom doesn’t cancel out my husband’s exhilaration. One daughter thinking this is a waste of time doesn’t cancel out the other daughter’s making of a core memory.
rather than killing myself trying to craft a perfectly planned experience only to get drop-kicked in the face by reality… I’ll approach the next vacation with more of an open mind!
time and energy is better spent making room for everyone to have their own unique experience instead of judging them by my idea of a perfect vacay.
This is my story, I’m telling it… and they get to tell theirs too.
Anyway… Until Further Notice,
-Savvy
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